


The Silence Between Us

by ElissaSeviev



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellamy PoV, Bonus Scenes, F/M, Just a bunch of POVs really, Missing Scenes, More characters to come, POV Abby, POV Clarke, POV Marcus, POV Murphy, POV Octavia, Slow Burn Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, episode by episode, very short chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-02-22 13:31:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13167948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElissaSeviev/pseuds/ElissaSeviev
Summary: A look at Bellamy and Clarke's relationship (including scenes from the show, made-up snippets, and later on maybe what might happen in season 5)."Still, though, for the months after that - when Clarke and him talk for the first time, or when he teaches her how to shoot; when he hears her voice over the radio and when she hugs him tight, all he can see is that girl with the bright blond ponytail and the daring eyes. When they're arguing, he hers her screaming "STOP!" and marching to him, when he watches her sleep he remembers the curve of her cheek and her authoritative eyes and his heart softens a little."Including: Chapter 8 - Missing scene: Murphy's coma.





	1. Pilot

_He's standing in the dropship, watching the Earth burning. The fire is ravaging and blinding. There's beauty in there, beauty in the red and orange engulfing the Ground and turning space in an inferno. Inferno... That reminds him of Dante, and of Clarke. The circles of hell are real, and somehow, he escaped them. But she didn't. That's all he can think about but he knows that soon, he will have to get going. There are so many things to do and fix, so many things that need his attention. He can not dwell. But he allows himself a moment, just an instant to remember the girl with the blonde hair and the fiery heart. An instant to mourn her presence, her support, her light._

 

_Bellamy can remember the first time he saw her as if it were yesterday. It seems so long ago - before the Grounders, and the lever at Mount Weather, and Finn, before she left and before she came back; before A.L.I.E and the nightblood, before that day she told him, 'hurry"  (and he did, he truly did), before she was gone. But he can hear her voice. "STOP!" and still he can see Clarke's soft, round face, and the blond wisps of hair that framed her cheeks._

_It's as if he were standing in the dropship, about to open its door, all over again._

 

Bellamy stood there, staring down at the girl who interrupted him just a second before. Clearly she's not Octavia - but he does feel like he knows her. There's something about her face that triggers a memory, her bright, fierce eyes that are daring him to contradict her. She goes on to talk about how the air could be toxic, and that makes him smile. As he watches her, a memory of a man with short hair and a strong face tries to float to the surface of his brain without success, and all he can do is take in the bold, brave girl in front of him. He doesn't have time to think more about her, though, because suddenly Octavia is here and nothing else matters. 

 

Still, though, for the months after that - when Clarke and him talk for the first time, or when he teaches her how to shoot; when he hears her voice over the radio and when she hugs him tight, all he can see is that girl with the bright blond ponytail and the daring eyes. When they're arguing, he hers her screaming "STOP!" and marching to him, when he watches her sleep he remembers the curve of her cheek and her authoritative eyes and his heart softens a little. 


	2. Earth Skills

Clarke is brave, stubborn, and exhausting. 

He's known her for such little time, but if he had to describe her that would be how. She's beautiful, and she challenges him at every turn. They argue, and they fight over her wristband, but despite everything he can't help the growing affection he has for her. Of course, he won't let anyone know, but as they walk to find Jasper - she's determined, and she takes big, strong strides that he easily keeps up with - he steals glances when she can't see.

It makes him laugh to think about it. Clarke and his boys - Wells who is so desperately in love with her and looks at her like she is the sun, the moon and the stars, Finn who's never far from her and builds her up with every word, and him, apparently. How unlikely. But he understands it. Clarke and him had different goals, but they're more similar than he'd like to admit. They're willing to do anything to survive, and despite everything, she  _is_ a great leader. He can't let her know that of course, he needs the kids to follow him. He shot Jaha, after all, and he can't afford to let them come down to the ground and kill him and leave Octavia alone after all he's done to be here. He could never leave Octavia alone. She needs him.

His sister, his responsability.

Bellamy feels it before he hears it, and his arms whips out before his fingers close around Clarke's forearm.

 

 

**

 

Clarke can feel herself falling, and she muffles a scream.

Suddenly, as she is readying herself for the impact with what seems to be wooden spikes, she can breathe again. There's a hard pull on her elbow that makes her wince, but a strong hand is holding her up. She looks up, expecting Finn's face to look down at her, or Wells' fingers tight around her arm, but instead it's a mess of brown curls and light freckles that's observing her, making her catch her breath.

Bellamy. 

He's holding her tight and she breathes in, assessing the situation. For a wild, mad second she gazes at him and she thinks he's gonna let her go, let her fall after all. Finally, he starts pulling her up, and her heart beats more steadily as the spikes get further and further away from her legs. When she gets her footing back, she stares at him in awe for a moment.

He saved her.

She should thank him.

Then the moment passes.

But she never, ever forgets it - the curls, the freckles, and the tight fingers that saved her life.

 

 

 

**

 

Later, she's braver than he is and does what he couldn't. 

The knife plunges deep in the boy's artery, the blood pooling under his neck. 

Bellamy takes a long, long look at Clarke's face - the sad expression in her lips, the welled tears in her eyes.

She's so human.


	3. Day Trip

She's excited about the blankets.

He wants to roll his eyes at her, but in a way, her cheerfulness is sweet. 

He's frustrated.

There's no food, just a bunch of corpses that quite literally smell like death and not much else. 

And then... They find the guns.

Bellamy likes guns; he knows them, he was a Guard. It feels good and safe and familiar in his large hands, the weight is comfortable and reassuring. He feels a little less naked with a weapon in hand, and it feels good to know that although he plans to leave them that day - leave Octavia - at least this will be his parting gift. A way to protect themselves, to fight off the Grounders. 

He looks up and sees Clarke, and he feels a sudden surge to make sure she'll be safe. 

She says she doesn't like them, but he insists, and then she starts getting into position. 

Bellamy walks to her; she's not holding it right and she must if she is going to survive. He brushes against her shoulder, puts a hand again her back and suddenly... 

It's all too much.

Bellamy isn't a faint of the heart, and he knows his way around girls. He knows he's not bad looking and girls like him, and he likes them. He likes their bodies and their warmth, and he rarely goes to sleep alone at camp. And Clarke is not like that, he knows that. She's too serious, and too private. And anyway, he's leaving soon. The camp needs to be held by someone, and Clarke is the obvious choice.

But still. 

She's so close, and her blonde hair is brushing her fingers. He's closer than he thought he was, his nose hovering near the top of her head, and in the dark and cold of the bunker, he wishes she could be even closer. It only lasts a second before the pull tears. Flustered, he takes a step back, and can feel the heat coming up to his cheeks - thankfully, she can't see it. 

 _Get a grip, Bellamy,_ he thinks. 

Clarke is practicing, and she's not a bad shot. She throws around "w _e needs"_   like it's as easy as breathing. 

For a second he almost wants to stay - stay and see where this leads, where the camp goes. For a second he can picture a millon ways this could develop, Clarke and Finn and Octavia and Jasper and Monty and all the others, who they'll be, who they'll love, if they'll live. And then, again, it dissolves. His resolve to leave is simply too strong.

So strong Clarke picks up on it. She often does that, however. She picks up on things. That's one thing he learned about her. 

He tries to explain to her, but Clarke is so, so stubborn.  It's exhausting him, because he doesn't  _want_ to leave, he _needs_ to leave. He'd much rather stay with his sister and help Clarke lead the camp. He'd much rather teach her how to shoot better, and which guns to carry.

But he can't.

 

**

 

That same night, something changes.

He saves her. (Again.) 

She saves him, too. 

It's not the first time, and now that he's staying, it won't be the last.

But the world spins differently, the weight on his shoulder feels a little lifted, as if shared. 

She's bloody, and dirty, and she sits against the tree, leaning on Bellamy. He's happy to feel her, strong and alive against him. It makes him feel less alone. 

He always feels alone.

That night, though, bloody, and dirty, and sitting against a tree, Bellamy doesn't feel so alone. 

After all, despite all odds - they are as opposite as can be - he's got Clarke. 

And Bellamy knows that she's right.

They do need each other.

 

**

 

Later, much later - weeks and months and years later - he sometimes wants to leave again. Leave it all behind when the weight of what happened in Mount Weather falls on him; when she leaves him and his heart breaks as the feeling of her kiss on his cheek disappears faster than he can accept it, when he has to leave her behind and close the spaceship door; and even later when there's nothing but the dropship, space and more space and too much space but not enough. But then he remembers that night, and he can feel Clarke's weight against him all over again, and hear her voice convincing him that  _she needs him_. And even though she's gone; he holds on. 

He stays.

Because Clarke trusted him. 

Because she needed him. 

He stays. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have noticed, this fanfiction is hard to follow if you haven't seen the TV show recently because I go very quickly from one moment to another (moments that I consider "essential" in their relationships or that I find particularly interesting). Here is the youtube video I use to make sure I don't miss any for season 1 (I will update you with others when I've moved on to the next season): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1AGwq6iaG0  
> I also have a bunch of Bellarke videos in a playlist to get inspired so I will upload that soon after!  
> Thank you so much for reading and for those of you that already bookmarked me or kudo'd me, it means a lot and I'm very thankful you took the time to read me.


	4. I Am Become Death

"I do believe in second chances though."

They exchange a glance, and then he runs away from it. He lets his eyes trail on the floor. Clarke looks better, but still not great. He truly meant it when he rejoiced over her recovery earlier, but now he feels uncomfortable.

Deep down, he knows she wasn't just talking about Murphy. 


	5. We Are Grounders - Part II

Closing that goddamn door is the hardest thing that Clarke has ever had to do. Harder than killing Atom; harder than accepting her father's death; harder than moving on from Wells' death and forgiving her mother. 

She holds the tears inside, because the others look up to her, and they need reassurance. They need to know everything is going to be ok. 

They can't know that the only thing in her mind right now is the shadow of two faces, two boys with dark hair and dark eyes, and that slowly, steadily, and worst of all, in silence, her heart is breaking. 

 

**

 

Bellamy sees the door closes, and he takes a second to breathe deeply and close his eyes. The battle is raging around him; there are screams and shouts, there's blood and pain, but the last thing he sees is Clarke pulling the lever.

Clarke, of course, doing what  _has to be done_. 

He tries to look at her, to find her sky blue eyes, but no luck.

And so in a breath, he whispers:

"Thank you."

 


	6. The 48

_"They didn't make it."_

The words ring in her head; again and again and again like a broken bell and everytime their echo reaches the surface of her thoughts, she feels like she is being kicked in the chest, drowning in the blood of her pain.

 She's so alone. Their faces - two dark-haired boys- are like ghosts haunting her mind, and she can't help but miss them. She knows the others miss them too; she knows the others are here for her (Jasper and his silly jokes and chocolate cake obsession, Monty with his quiet but strong support, his eyes often finding her and making sure she is doing alright, Harper and the rest of the kids, looking up to her and holding her up) but every morning she wakes and her heart breaks again as she realizes they're not with her. She doesn't believe they're gone though, she's holding on to hope like a swimmer kicking the water to find a breath of fresh air, she doesn't give up.

Still, her heart breaks. 

And all she can remember is the dwo dark haired boys, and all that they are to her.

All she can remember is Bellamy's presence, comforting but teasing, his eyes on hers as they silently agree across the room; his voice, warm and challenging. 

Of course she misses Finn, obviously she misses him - she loves him- but Bellamy is different, it's not love yet but it's trust and strength and faith, and it's a shoulder to lean on when things are tough, a voice to bring order to the mess in her brain, someone to share the responsability with and keep the weight off of her chest.

The weight crushes her now.

And her heart breaks. 


	7. Human Trials

**Human Trials**

When Clarke finally awakes; all she can see is Anya's dead body and the blood on her hands. And then her mother is there, with kind eyes and dirty hair and hands made rough by gloves and manual work, and Clarke feels like she's ran into a cement wall. It's all too much to understand and all too much to accept, and hope is about to make her burst. The bubble of hope inside her chest swells, and then it escapes in a whisper:

"Did anyone else make it here?"

Her mother doesn't take long to answer, but it feels like one breath is an eternity.

"Yes."

Clarke's breath catches, and she wishes her mother would just tell, tell her already, because this waiting is absolute torture and her brain is jumping about, and so she asks:

"Finn and Bellamy?"

Her heart beats faster, because she hasn't allowed herself to hope in a long time, and here she is, and here is her mother and...

"Yes."

... here they are.

And so she bursts, and the tears are everywhere, and she can't breathe, and all she can say is "I thought they were dead... I thought you were dead", as reality slowly, quietly paves its way back into her heart.

 

**

 She's not sure who she wants to see most. She loves Finn, she really does, and she misses him. But Bellamy... Bellamy is Bellamy, her Bellamy, and there's a hole of loneliness in her that's desperate to be filled by his presence. They're friends, they're leaders, they need each other. 

And then, she doesn't have to choose, because destiny chooses for her.

She's hugging Raven who's smiling brightly at her, and Clarke takes her in - the smile and sparkly eyes, her tan, soft skin and the brace on her leg, but before she can linger, she sees Bellamy.

**

Mel is putting her weight on him, and it's good to feel her against him, strong and warm and alive. Camp Jaha hasn't changed much since they left, but he feels exhausted. He led the expedition, and then Sterling died... But at least, they managed to save Mel, and that has to count for something.

All Bellamy wants is for his sister and him to go crash somewhere, after washing away the blood and dirt off their skins (although now, it kind of feels like they're part of him) and so he's not paying much attention. There are people taking his gun from him, and he lets it go. Abby finds them, and he tries to explain what happened, and they talk about Mel, and then... 

And then someone is in his arms. There's blond hair tickling his nose, and the breath is knocked out of his lungs by the strength of impact against a soft, comforting body (something entirely different than holding Mel; it feels as if he's the one being held for a change and there are little hands wrapped around his neck, pulling him in. It takes him a second to think, but he recognizes the feel and shape of the woman against him, the skin against his and so he closes his arms around her waist and holds her tight. It feels so good, and he can't believe he never hugged her before because she fits perfectly. His brain is racing, desperate to find some sort of sense in what is happening: how did she get here, is she ok, where was she, where are the others... But then his mind relaxes under her touch, and he waits a second to ask all the questions that are popping up in his brain. He can hear his sister say something, but he doesn't really pay attention as Clarke backs out, taking him in, checking for wounds and looking at his face, his hair... 

 

**

"Here's something I thought I'd never see."

Octavia smiles to herself as she sees her brother and Clarke hold each other, losing themselves in each other. They don't know it yet, but she's not just talking about the hug. 

**

Clarke pulls back, and she takes a deep, strong breath. 

It feels so good to be whole. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading & for your patience! Feedback is always, always much appreciated.


	8. The Turning-Point [Missing Scene: Season 5]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interestingly, this chapter was born out of one on my rants on my Tumblr. You can find the post here: http://inkandcamcorder.tumblr.com/post/177025824231/sanctumslider-inkandcamcorder On @sanctumslider suggestion (you can find her tumblr here: http://sanctumslider.tumblr.com) I decided to add it to this fic, even though it's out of order! I hope you'll like it!  
> This is set during the six years in space, at the very beginning as Monty first grows the algae. Although this starts with Bellamy's POV, I took the liberty to change it up.

 

"By the time Octavia wakes up... if she wakes up..."

Bellamy can't bear to finish the thought. It's too much, too big to accept, too big to think, too big to say. If he killed his sister... if he really did kill her... No, he can't think about that right now. Clarke's here.

Clarke's  _here_. 

For the moment, that's all that matters. 

"She will. You said that Murphy was fine, and you didn't even have a doctor."

Bellamy winces as the memory floods over him - the algae, and Murphy's face, and Emori's scream...

**

*

Murphy's a coackroach. He's a survivor.

That's why he volunteers to try the algae first.

They need someone, after all. It can't be Bellamy because  _duh_ , they need him. If this goes south, they'll need Bellamy to keep them together. They can't give it to Monty, because then who will try another recipe? If they don't have food, they don't have life. And they did not leave Clarke and Earth behind just to die of starvation. That is not happening.

They need Raven, too. She's their ticket home. No way he's putting that in jeopardy. 

Monty won't say it, but he needs Harper. Harper is the quiet in the storm, the calm in the tempest. They need someone grounded, someone that is not completely distraught to keep them quiet and organized and soft. And she's been through enough. This is not her fate.

That leaves him, Emori and Echo. But he can't let Emori take that risk. He can't bear the thought of losing her. He remembers her gasping for air, no oxygen left in her bottle, her throat tightening. He remembers sharing the mask with her and Raven, their bloodshot eyes and trembling hands. He's not losing Emori. And anyway, she's never been in space. Everything is foreign, alien to her. The metal that surrounds her, the air she breathes, the recycled water. It's too much for her, and too much for Echo. They're already having trouble settling down, finding their footing. They won't want to try it first, and honestly, he doesn't blame them. They've grown up on ripe berries and wild rabbits. This is as far from their comfort zone as it gets. 

So that's why he tries it first.

"Ok Monty, let's taste this algae. I'm starving!"

The others around him chuckle slightly. It's forced. 

It's fine, he'll take it.

He reaches out and grabs a square of the algae out of Monty's hands. It's dark and dry and as unappetizing as you would think. 

It does not look or smell anything like ripe berries or wild rabbit.

But, as always, he has to make himself useful. That's how you survive. 

So he brings the ration to his mouth, and swallows.

**

*

Bellamy can tell right away something's wrong. He wanted to try the algae first, but Murphy batted his hand away and laughed it off, before scooping up a huge square of it. And so he watches Murphy intently. He's chewing the algae loudly in the silence of the Ark, and looks about to crack a joke, when suddenly he brings his hands to his throat. Raven rolls her eyes as he gags a little, slapping his shoulder softly:

"It's not funny, Murphy."

But Murphy's eyes look crazed now, and the gagging increases and suddenly the world snaps back into action. Bellamy throws his chair backwards and jumps over the table to land next to him, Raven's panicked hands already all over his mouth and face. She's saying something, but Bellamy can't hear what it is - probably "no, no, no, no, no". That's all that  _he_ seems to be able to say at least.  Harper is holding back Emori who's kneeling next to Murphy - he fell on the ground at some point -, whispering in her ear as Bellamy drops to his knees.  

"Oh no, oh no, oh no... What did I do?"

Monty's hovering over them, and looks to Harper who brings him towards her and Emori.

"It's ok, don't worry, we're gonna fix it. Right, Bellamy?" 

Bellamy feels five sets of eyes on him (Murphy's are rolling back, as if he were trying to see his brains) and takes a deep breath. What would Clarke do? What would Clarke say?

Just thinking it hurts. It hurts, to remember she's gone. It hurts, to know that now, he has to be both the the head and the heart (" _if something happens to me..." "nothing's happening to you!"_  - well, he was wrong, because something did happen to her). It hurts to be alone, to have no one to lean on. Raven's the closest thing he's got, and her hands are fluttering all over Murphy, her voice piercing through Bellamy's panic:

"Bellamy? Bellamy, what should we do? Bellamy!"

Clarke's the medic. Clarke would know what to do.

Bellamy pokes through his memories, tries to think of what to do. Murphy's lost consciousness, so he jumps ahead and takes his pulse.  

"He's breathing. His heart is beating." The realization relaxes the muscles in his shoulders, but he's still hesitant. It's not because Murphy's alive for now that he's going to stay that way. Emori's sobbing, it's echoing in his ears. There's still Harper's voice too - "sh, sh, it's ok, see, Bellamy's taking care of him, you can trust him".

Trust. Faith. 

He used to have Clarke for that.

Now he doesn't.

The thought hits him in the guts and he feels a scream at the seam of his lips, but swallows it back down. Monty is pacing in a panic, so Bellamy snaps his head back up to him:

"Monty, listen to me. Are you listening?" he asks. Monty nods, tears in his eyes. He's still holding the bowl of algae. "We're going to take care of Murphy. You need to go back to the lab and understand what went wrong. If we figure out where the problem comes from, we figure out the cure. Yeah?" 

"Y-yeah," Monty agrees. He turns to Emori and whispers in a breath: "I'm so, so sorry. I promise I'm going to make this right." 

Bellamy hears his steps as he runs out of the room, but he's too busy to pay it any attention. Harper looks like she wants to follow him, but she stays put, and Bellamy's thankful. He needs his entire head on healing Murphy, he can't reassure Emori right now. Instead, he focuses on Raven:

"Raven, go check with Harper and Emori what medication you can find. Anything's better than nothing."

"No! No, I'm staying with him."

The screams are, of course, Emori's. Bellamy's gaze softens as he explains:

"You'll be of more use to both him and me with the girls. We need medication. We need to try and clean his blood of the poison. Alright?"

Emori doesn't take her eyes off her boyfriend, but when Harper and Raven grab her by the arms and pull her along, she follows without any more complaints. That leaves him and Echo, and honestly, he's not thrilled. But Harper is the best carer they've got, and the calmest presence on the ship. Emori needs her. And Raven... well, having Raven would be best, but she can't carry Murphy with her leg. 

So that leaves Echo, and he supposes that's better than nothing. He's trying to forgive, but he's never been good at forgiving. Except with Clarke. He could always forgive Clarke... eventually. Echo's been quiet, but she understands the second she meets his eyes and she helps him carry Murphy to a bed. He's non-responsive, barely breathing, not a sound escaping his mouth. Echo is strong, really strong, and seems to be carrying much of his weight. She's careful when they lay down the boy on a mattress, and she waits for Bellamy to have put a blanket over him - it's thin and tattered - before she asks:

"Do you need anything else from me?"

She still has some sacrificial make-up leftover, but her voice is soft and steady. Bellamy shakes his head and, when he hears the door closing, lets it fall between his hands.

She's dead.

She can't hear him.

Still, he whispers:

"Clarke... I can't do this without you."

There's only silence left to answer him.

**

*

It takes a few days, but Monty figures out what's wrong with the algae. Harper is worried, though. His hands shake with every ustensil he picks up, and she catches him muttering to himself every once in a while.

Once, she hears him speak to Jasper.

"Hey, Jasp, any idea where I left my goggles? Kinda need them you see. I can't mess this up again."

His voice is upbeat, happier than it has been in days, and he can't see her. The shelves are hiding her, and Harper hesitates to trouble this time of peace. But he has an absentminded look on his face, and when he speaks up again, she knocks softly on the door. Monty whirls around, and exclaims:

"Oh! it's you. Sorry, I was busy working."

"No worries." 

She walks to him and wraps him in a hug, her head on his shoulder as she watches him work.

"I'm sure this batch will be just fine," she whispers to him. 

He tenses, before nodding.

"I hope so."

**

*

Emori hasn't left his side. When Raven comes to bring her something to drink, she has tear tracks staining her cheeks, and both her hands wrapped around Murphy's. She rarely uses her "bad" one, and Raven can relate. She's got a bad side too. Maybe, together, they can even each other out. Emori looks a bit gaunt, pale, her hair a mess. Raven can't help but think Murphy got himself a good one. She's going to have to learn teamwork, and space is hard for her, but she's fierce and loyal and smart. Raven remembers still how Emori called out to her -  _"can't we give her another minute?"_  - for a girl that almost experimented on her.

"Hey," Raven says softly. Emori is startled all the same, but she doesn't drop Murphy's hand from her lap. "Here."

Emori takes the glass, and screws up her nose. Despite their best efforts, it's sometimes hard to forget you're drinking your own filtered pee. After drinking from streams, it tastes like death.

"Thanks," the other girl answers, a bit reluctant maybe. She looks worried, like maybe if she takes her eyes off her boyfriend - boyfriend seems like such a trivial word, these days - he'll suddenly get worse. His coma hasn't changed, but at least it hasn't worsened either. "Do you think it's normal he hasn't woken up yet? Do you think he's stuck, in there?" She points to her own head, but Raven gets the gist.

Before she can answer, someone else does:

"I don't think so." Bellamy's leaning against the doorway, in a t-shirt and slacks. There's a haunted look at the back of his eyes, but Raven supposes that if you don't know him well, you won't see it. Raven knows who's haunting him, though. It's no mystery.

There's a stubble running along his jaw, and his hair is growing longer everyday. Raven tries to be there for him. She'll always be with him, stand with him. But it's like he's on another orbit, on a different planet. Still, he catches Emori's gaze and gives her a weak smile:

"I think it's kind of like when you have the flu."

Emori's eyebrows furrow. Raven's, too. She's not sure what he's getting at.

"The flu?" Emori questions. There's puzzlement, there, but underneath, if you dig enough, a little spark of hope too.

Bellamy brushes his hair awkwardly with his hand as he walks to them and stands on the other side of the bed. He looks down at Murphy for a second, his face softening, before shrugging:

"Yeah. You know when you get so sick but there's nothing to be done but wait? You sleep all the time to give your body strength to expel the virus. I think that's like that. There was something wrong in the algae, so his body shut down to be able to flush it out, have his entire energy dedicated to getting rid of the poison."

Raven desperately wishes Clarke were here. She'd know. There's acid rushing her up throat at the thought of closing the door, taking the spaceship to the Ark. She remembers it lighting up, and that can only mean Clarke survived long enough for it to work. 

Did she cry? Did she cry when she died?

Did she scream? Did she hurt?

Was it somewhat peaceful, like Finn falling on Clarke's shoulder as if were asleep? Or was it violent and painful, burning up like Maya's body in Mount Weather?

But Clarke's not here.

However, Bellamy is. Bellamy's here, and standing, and pulling himself together. Bellamy's making rounds to check on everyone, Bellamy sleeps by Murphy's bed to make sure nothing changes, Bellamy makes sure Monty takes breaks to sleep. 

Bellamy, who, once again, is pulling a miracle.

Emori looks up to him and Raven can see something shift in her eyes.

"You think?" Emori asks. "So he'll wake up?"

Bellamy looks hesitant. Maybe he realizes, too, that using the flu analogy regarding Murphy is tricky. Or maybe he's worried he'll have to make a promise that, once again, he must break.

"I hope so, yeah. I hope so."

Raven takes advantage of Emori's relaxing body to take a few steps towards her and to put a hand on her shoulder. 

"You should take a break, Emori. Maybe go sleep in a real bed for a few hours. Or breathe a different air."

It's stupid to say. It's all the same dusty, stale air on the Ark. But maybe, if she moves, she'll feel better. 

Emori hesitates, her hand caressing Murphy's cheek.

"I don't know. What if he wakes up while I'm gone? What if something happens?"

Bellamy smiles at them both, reassuring to Emori, encouraging to Raven.

"I'll stay with him. I won't leave his side, I promise. If anything changes, you'll be the first to know."

Raven loops her arm through Emori's, pulling her up.

"Come on. I could show you the control pannel and teach you a couple things. Might come in handy to have another girl mechanic on this ship."

She gives a look to Bellamy, eyebrows wriggling.

"I certainly can't count on  _this one_. He's absolutely worthless with machinery."

Bellamy takes it with a laugh as he sits down, and the smallest of smiles creeps up on Emori's face. Raven thinks she can even see a glint of excitation.

To her, it feels like a victory.

**

*

"Hey, Jasper, if you have a solution right about now that'd be great. I wish you were here. You'd know what to do. At least you'd get the guys to laugh. You always were the funny one."

**

*

Raven barely sees Bellamy for the next couple of days. Finally, she finds him in a room, lying on the floor with his knees drawn up, staring at the ceiling.

It's hard to lie down next to him with her leg, and slow. It leaves him more than enough time to say something, reject her, or move.

He doesn't.

She sets her head on his shoulder, her arm against his side. Bellamy's isn't a "personal space" type of person, she knows that.

She actually knows that very well.

It feels strange, and a little silly, to think back to the people they once were. Strange to remember their skins against each other, his mouth on hers. Foreign, even. Wrong.

It's like this all happened a millions years ago, like these were other people. Maybe it's not just an impression. Maybe it's what actually happened: they were those people, and then everything happened - the Grounders and Mount Weather, her leg and the Flame, Clarke leaving and coming back and the end of the world - and suddenly they were new people. When she looks at Bellamy, she can barely recognize the boy who used to scream "whatever the hell we want". It's like that boy died on Earth.

Died with Clarke, maybe.

She certainly feels a part of her did.

They stay silent for a long time. His breath makes the strands of hair on her forehead blow up and down, and she smells the scent of his sweat on his t-shirt. She can feel his Adam's apple bob up and down before he says:

"Raven, I don't think I can do this."

Raven immediately sits up a little, leaning on the arm against him to get a good look at him. Her heart skips a beat. There's tears at the brim of his eyes and breaths too fast making his body rattle. She leans over him, grabbing his shoulder.

"What do you mean you can't do this, Bellamy? Of course you can. You are doing it."

Bellamy shakes his head, still not looking at her.

"You don't get it. I left  _her_  behind and  _she_  died.  _She_  was good at it, good at this. She knew how to lead and how to heal... if she were here, Murphy would be ok. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It should have been me, I should've..."

Raven's heart is beating faster still, and she leans over him to wrap her hand around his neck, forcing him to look at her in the eyes.

"Bellamy, if it had been you, Monty would be dead. Clarke would never have been able to bring in back in time with Murphy. She was fast, and strong, but she would have been distracted with you being gone..."

"That's not true." Bellamy shakes his head.

"Yes, it is. You've never seen her when you're not around Bellamy. She did what she had to do and so did you. Without you, there would be no Monty, and without Monty, there would be no food."

She doesn't mention that in that scenario, Murphy's not in a coma. Simply because he would be dead. No food, no life.

Raven tightens her grasp on his neck, and he sits up too to look at her.

"Listen to me, Bellamy. You're doing this.  _We_ 're doing this."

Before she realizes it, there are tears spilling on Bellamy's cheeks, silent and cruel. She thinks that, maybe, the cold feeling on her face is tears too. He grabs her hand and squeezes it hard.

"I can't do this again, Raven. I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't lose another one of you, a _gain_. I can't have one of you die on me,  _again._  She can't be dead for  _nothing_ , you see?"

His nose is running and his voice is craking but it doesn't matter. None of it does. Raven crushes his face to her collarbone, feels him hiding his nose and eyes in her neck as he wraps his hands around her. His sobs make both of their bodies shake, ricocheting against each other. Raven brushes her hand against his hair, and rocks him to the side like a baby as he cries his eyes out.

"She's  _dead._ She's dead, and now it's just us, and I have to do this right for her... I have to do it right..."

Raven nods in his shoulder, still rocking him.

"I know. But at least we've got each other. We'll make her proud. Just have faith."

A memory springs up and unravels in her mind, and she adds:

"She always had it in you. So do I."

Bellamy stays silent, but he holds her tighter to him.

For the first time in days, Raven feels  _grounded._

_ ** _

_ * _

"I'm kind of mad at you, Jasper, you see. You left me.  _On purpose_. I thought we were forever, brothers for life. That's what you said. You and me against the world. Well I sort of need you right now. Because this is my fault. Murphy is in a coma,  _because of me_. Clarke is gone,  _because of me_. And you're gone,  _because of me._ Because Maya's dead, which is  _also because of_  me."

A beat.

"So I wish you were, y'know? I feel so guilty I can't breathe. What if I mess this up, Jasp? What if this -all of this, you and Maya and Clarke and my mom and everyone else- was all... for nothing? 

**

*

Echo roams along the halls and corridors of the Ark and learns to know a world she did not even imagine existed a few months ago. Everything is hard and cold in this world, and quiet. No birds chirping, no deers running in the woods and people calling each other across the street. Only but the sound of the air through the vents, Raven's frantic typing on her keyboard and Harper's quiet whispers in Monty's ear when she manages to convince him to take a break (it does not happen often). 

Echo doesn't know what to do of Harper. She's too quiet, too calm, too kind. There's sweetness all over her face like war paint and generosity at the tip of her fingers. It's unlike anything Echo's ever known, so she looks for solace. She can't be in Murphy's room with Emori's dark cloud of grief and worry, an intruder more than any time before. She can't be with Raven, who every so often stares at her like she's punching her in a fantasy world. Echo supposes sometimes she wishes it were Wanheda instead of her. She doesn't blame the girl. Besides, Raven's good company. She doesn't talk much and she's so smart Echo could almost hear her brain. Monty is much like Harper, except he's consumed by agitation, so she avoids him too.

That only leaves Bellamy. 

She knows him, she thinks. She's seen glimpses of his true self: his fierceness, his defensiveness, his loyalty. She's seen him throw himself in front of the Commander of Death more times than she can count, seen the gaze he rests on his people. He's a leader.

She understands leaders. She's worked for them her entire life.

Except this leader is different. He's soft-spoken and careful, attentive. He never takes a decision before hearing everybody's opinion - even hers - and surprinsingly, she finds herself liking it. They're cogs in an engine, and even though she's a little different, a little off, they make it work. There's something to be said for that sort of determination. She remembers flinging him against the vent, getting his helmet off, feeling him breathe again. Some things you can't go through without coming out a different person. Without becoming sort-of-friends.

But Bellamy feels like the ghost of who he was. Everyone sees it but no one says it. It's like he's  _surviving_  instead of living. And that does not make sense. The boy has been on the run from dangers for a year. He's been surviving for longer, since his sister was born and locked under the floor. Now should be the time for peace, for living. Yet it does not come.

But maybe, if she brings him war... maybe then he'll seek peace.

And Echo knows how to bring war.

That is what drives her to look for him, one evening. He's not hard to find. As often, he's standing in front of the wide glass panel that gives out onto the burning Earth. It pinches her heart everytime she sees it, although she would never admit as much. Her home. Gone into flames.

He's got moonshine in his hand, but he's not drinking it. She rarely ever sees him drinking, although he often has the bottle with him. Actually, she's only ever seen him drink once from that bottle, now that she comes to think of it.

Bellamy waits for her to stand next to him before asking, his voice flat.

"What do you want?"

He's still a little aggressive towards her, but there's time. They're not going anywhere, after all. And she's not fully sold on the "living" stuff. But she must admit, it's not as bad as she expected. Space is strange, and metallic, but it's not bad. Different. But not bad.

"I was wondering if you maybe, I don't know, wanted to train with me." 

Bellamy raises an eyebrow.

"Train with you?"

She knows he's been anxious. She's seen him pacing the halls and leaning against Murphy's closed door late at night, asleep. 

She doesn't say as much.

"I've heard you running in the morning. If you want to keep your muscle, that won't be enough. And if we're going to be stuck here for five years, I might as well try and be useful."

Bellamy hesitates. He rubs his elbow with his other hand, pensive, when someone breaks his train of thought.

"You should do it, Bellamy. Murphy will be all-too-happy to kick your ass when he's back on his feet."

Raven is looking at them with her arms crossed on her chest as she leans against a wall. There's the shadow of a laughter at the back of her throat, but the rest of her is pulled taut. She tries, Echo supposes. Tries to relax and joke and pretend she's sure Murphy will be better. It's more than most could do.

Bellamy looks to Raven, as though looking for an approval she's already given. She smiles at him, and finally, he sets down the Moonshine against the window and nods at Echo.

"Ok. I'll train with you."

He offers her his arm, and Echo clasps it. They exchange a look, but a second later, it's to Raven her gaze flies. Again, she nods at Raven before mouthing: "thanks".

Raven shrugs before walking away, but it feels like the beginning of something.

**

*

When Monty finally breaks, it's like a bullet through her heart.

Harper's been spending a lot of time with Emori, making sure she's alright, but she tries and spend time with Monty. One evening, he joins her at Murphy's bed and she leans against him, her head on his shoulder. Emori's gone to bed, but she only sleeps if someone stays by Murphy.

Harper doesn't mind. The quiet is nice.

Suddenly, she feels herself shaking. That is, until she realizes it's Monty that's shaking, tears rolling down his face as he stares at his hands.

"It's all my fault, Harp. It's all because of me."

Harper wraps him in a hug, and as she whispers sweet nothings in his ear, little reassurances that echo in the silence, she feels Monty crack and break and split against her. It's ugly and painful and messy, but suddenly they're not alone. Suddenly there's people around them. Monty doesn't see them or hear them at first, his face buried in Harper's neck, but she does. She crosses Bellamy's heartbroken gaze over Monty's hair as he strides towards them and kneels to wrap a hand around the back of Monty's head, repeating the same words Harper does. Raven limps to them and sits on the edge of Murphy's bed, silent but supportive and strong and warm as she looks at them.  

"You're not alone," Harper whispers to Monty in his ear. "You're not alone."

**

*

Emori's fallen asleep on John's sheets, and now they're tearstained. It's unpleasant and sticky and wet, but she can't bring herself to care. Not that John will mind, anyway. He hasn't moved in days. When she looks up, she realizes there are other people in the room. Raven's asleep on the other side of the bed, her face marked by the lines of the sheet, her hair spread over John's hand. Harper smiles at Emori, leaning against the wall, and squeezes her hand affectionately.

"You fell asleep, so we thought we'd sit by him in case something changed. And then Raven fell asleep, so, here we are."

She points to the door, where Echo's sitting. She's pushed a pillow so that Raven's leg is slightly up, and she's looking at them noiselessly. Emori doesn't know the girl, doesn't trust her, but there's nothing but interest in her eyes, like they're strange, curious creatures. 

"Monty's busing working on a batch of algae, but he'll be here soon,"  Harper promises. 

"He's on his way," Bellamy's voice says, somewhere behind her. Bellamy often startles her like that. She's always pictured him loud and brash and  _present_ , but he's proven himself quite the opposite. 

Her eyes are heavy still, her body exhausted by the little food and bad water and terrible sleep. She can't remember the last time she got up to take a few steps. Her back aches, but her heart breaks open everytime she sees John's still, still body on the bed. He looks so fragile, so vulnerable, so unlike John. He's a fighter, that one. But now, he looks... broken. Peaceful, somehow, too. Like this, she can almost imagine what he must have been like as a kid, before his dad got ... what do they call it? executed? no, floated. 

And then, they said the Grounders were the savages.

But that's besides the point. 

She lays her head back down on her hand, tucking her head against John's unmoving hand. There's fingers brushing her hair back, and then Harper's voice:

"It's ok, you can sleep."

"We'll keep watch."

Bellamy's promise is the last thing she hears before she falls asleep.

**

*

His mouth tastes stale and there's blinding light that keeps his eyes closed. Someone's talking to him, he thinks, but they're not quite sure what to say. Something about Clarke and Earth and algae.

Oh, please god, not algae. Just kill him now.

The voice is insistant and warm, and brings back memories that flash through his mind. Holding a small body against his as they rock back and forth, for example. It lulls him to sleep.

Oor at least, it tries.

Someone's squeezing his hand and the same voice persists, until he resolves to open his eyes. Just a second. Just so the voice quiets down. Some people are trying to sleep, here.

When he wakes up there's someone on a chair next to him, with a hand holding his. The image is fuzzy at first, like an unfocused camera, and then it becomes clearer: black hair, tan skin, small hands, but it's not who he expects it to be. He tries to speak but his throat hurts like hell, so he clears it a bit. 

Raven's face snaps to the side and she gasps when she sees him awake. She looks like she wants to hurl herself at him, but that must be the confusion telling him that. He can't imagine Raven wanting to hurl herself at him in any world. Still, she surprises him and gets up, only dropping his hand to grab his face. 

"Murphy? Oh my god, Murphy, thank god." Raven turns to the wide open door - where is he? is this a cell? a bedroom? there's sheets on him and something somewhat comfortable under his back - to scream: "Emori! Emori, he's awake!" 

She then turns to him again and smiles, before taking a step back:

"You really  _are_  a cockroach."

There's the sound of running step and suddenly someone's crushing him. There's hands on his face and a knee against his ribcage and crashing lips against his mouth. Emori tastes of salt and tears, but she's laughing. 

She's crying. Happy tears, John thinks. He hasn't seen a lot of those. He's not quite sure what they look like, but if he had to bet, he'd say it looked like that: Emori's open face and brillant smile and hair sticking to her neck.

Raven is still here, but she's popped her head out the door and is yelling again:

"He's awake! Murphy's awake! Someone get Bellamy!"

She approaches the bed and stands next to Emori. John's surprised by how close they stand together, but it's nice, seeing them like that. He can't focus too well, so he's happy he doesn't have to try too hard to see them both. They seem happy. They're smiling. That means they're happy, right? Happy to... happy to see him? 

That Emori would be happy makes sense. But Raven... 

His thoughts are interrupted when someone else slips past Emori, who's still sitting on his bed - the comfy thing is a bed - and wraps him in an embrace. There's hair in his face - dark blond hair, he thinks - and then Harper's voice in his ear:

"Oh god, Monty is going to be so relieved. I'm so glad you're ok."

John blinks quickly, still surprised and unsure. He hasn't even had time to say anything yet, but he doesn't get a chance ro. Monty's pushing past both of the girls, and when he sees John's open eyes, he lets himself slide against the wall, one hand on his heart.

"Oh, Murphy, I've never been so happy to see you."

John clears his throat. It hurts, and it tastes awful, but he croaks:

"Not even... when I came back for you after you burned your hands?"

Monty laughs, but it sounds a bit like he's choking. John's not sure why. The girls laugh, too, and that's nice. He likes being the funny one.

"Not even then."

"You gave us quite a scare," Raven breathes out. She's standing a little bit away from the bed, but still close to the girls and Monty. She's staring at him, and there's things in her gaze that startle him: concern and relief and something that looks like affection, like a soft curve at the corner of her eye.

Emori is holding his hand, and he hangs onto it tight. Seeing her feels so good, so right. She's anchoring him amongst his confusion. She rests her forehead against his and murmurs to him, "I'm so glad you're okays" and "please never do that agains". Finally, Bellamy and Echo walk through the door. They're dirty and sweaty, both in light, dark clothing. Echo has got her sword strapped to her back and Bellamy's face has cuts on his cheekbones and an angry bruise near his eyebrow. John furrows his brow, and that hurts a little, but it's ok, because Emori's still holding his hand and they're all surrounding him and waiting for him to speak again.

"Did she... did she beat you up?"

Bellamy laughs, and it's real and bright, and his head shakes with his laughter. There's even a smile spreading on Echo's face, and she looks at Bellamy somewhat fondly.

"Kinda, yeah."

"Bet you deserved it."

"Probably. As soon as you're back on your feet, I'll take you.  _You_  certainly deserve it. You've been sleeping for days while we do all the hard work around here!"

Murphy scoffs. Even after being in a coma, his scoff is on point.

"We'll see about that."

Everything feels warm, for a moment. It's quiet but not the bad sort of quiet, more like a sunny morning after the rain's fallen all night and the animals are waking up and everything stands still for a second. They're looking at him, and it feels good, and they look relieved. Like they might actually care what happens to him. He's not sure exactly how long he's been out or why or how he's back, but he doesn't regret it. This is as close to good as he's ever been.

John turns to Monty and tugs playfully on Emori's fingers as he asks him:

"So, Monty, what's for dinner?"

And this time, everyone bursts out laughing.

**

*

Bellamy remembers very well Murphy's coma. He remembers the shift in him, the dawning of the task that awaited him: take care of his people. His new people, his new family. Take care of them. Fight for them. Protect them.

Protect them like Clarke would have. Love them like Clarke would have. Stand up for them like Clarke would have.

And now it's Clarke standing up in front of him, and he has to do the one thing he knows he can't.

But...

Take care of them.

Fight for them.

Protect them.

Love them.

His people, his family.

And Clarke...

She doesn't know it yet, but it's for her too.

Bellamy takes a deep breath, and readies himself to betray his best friend. For better or for worse. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! If you want more rants, you can follow me on tumblr (inkandcamcorder.tumblr.com). Hopefully I'll be back soon with more scenes!

**Author's Note:**

> This is unbeta'd, so please do tell me if you see any mistakes! English is not my first language so that would not be surprising. If you see something that doesn't make sense with canon, please also point it out! Thank you so much! I probably will rework things, so if you're interested drop a comment and I will let you know if I do.


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